+ SC ; theEND.

2011-03-21T07:26:00.000-07:00

Due to unforeseen circumstances, my memory of SC has been removed from my desktop and archived at the back of my brain.

It has now been a year of purposely avoiding him and although I am not completely over him, I can say, I'M OVER HIM.

I know, it doesn't make sense. But in a way it does. To briefly sum up my feelings for him right now at this very moment, I would have to say I HATE SC ... but my subconsciousness is indefinitely in love with him.

Just saying. That is all.

Dear You.

2010-05-09T18:43:00.000-07:00

I see you have a new victim. And I see you spent the night with her. Bastard. I wonder if you say the same things to her that you said to me ...

" ... it's like, i can't get you out of my head ... no matter what ... i always think of you ... "

" ... i can be faithful to you. when i put my mind to something, i can do it ... "

" ... where can you see us in 3 yrs bub? "

" i always knew we were gonna be together "

" i don't want you to go ... i want to spend the night with you ... "

" ... when i hold you in my arms, it feels ... perfect. "

" ... i can't imagine my life without you now "

" bub ... is it ok if i say i love you? "

Sweet lies ... they suck don't they ?

SC + blubber.

2010-04-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

- i tattooed his name across my heart >baCkwaRds< so only my [heart] can read it ` xX - we were never meant to be, baby WE JUST HAPPENED [s2] + baby let me ; BE YOUR DREAM. && >> When I'm with him, I am thinkinq of you ; what you would do if you were the one who was spendinq the niqht ` oh i wish i was that I was lookinq into your eyes :( for YOU , i qave my HEART and& turned my back aqainst the world ; yOu`Re [BAD] foR me , i.cLearLy qet it - i dOn't see hOw sOmethinq qood cOuLd cOMe fROm LOVING YOU // i'm ADDICTED and& i CAN'T lie | xO ! he be stuCk in my head like a melody .

SC.

2010-04-20T18:01:00.000-07:00

I lead an ordinary life. On the outside. But what goes on behind closed doors for me, is where the real drama lies. I'm eighteen. I'm in a long term relationship and I'm in love ... with someone else. Yes, I was one of those girls who wanted to grow up way too fast and ended up leaving school for some boy who came along and made some crappy promises. Now, almost two years later, I'm kicking myself for staying with him for so long. It may have been a lot better if I met my boyfriend in a few years time not when I was trying to make important life decisions. Anyways, this is not about me or my boyfriend. This is about him. The guy I'm in love with.

OK, lets say his name is SC. When I first met SC, it was 3 years ago when I had just moved to this new city. I was working at a fast food joint as a summer job and I will never forget the day he walked in. I saw him walk through those doors and I was lost for words. I took his order and I was just blown away by him. I never forgot that day. I thought I'd never see him again. If only I knew what fate held in store for me.

I had to start at a brand new school in a brand new city and I knew no one. On the first day I sat outside the office with no sense of direction as to where I should be. I remember just staring at the school gates planning to skip school on the first day. The only problem was, I had no friends and had no idea how to get around. Then I saw him walking up the stairs. My heart was beating so hard. I asked him where the "senior school office" was. He looked at me like I was lost and kept walking. Good one.

The next two weeks, I had managed to make friends and soon him and I were in the same social circle. We only said hi and bye to each other and knew each other's names. We then had a school sports event coming up and well, as little as it may sound, it was the beginning of a long fling.

It' not really my thing to go to sports events for school but I decided to go and see what it was like. I was having a real good day hanging out with my new friends and we were all just sitting around and playing songs on the guitar and singing along. I decided to sit in front of SC and take photos with him. One of my friends called me to participate in an event with her so I got up and SC placed his hands on my shoulders and sat me down between his legs. He started giving me a shoulder rub and I was pretty much on cloud nine that day. Everyone had seemed to notice what was happening between him and I and it wasn't long till I was brought back down to earth. One of the girls confronted him asking him what was he doing and he was trying to maintain his innocence when she mentioned the fact that had a girlfriend that went to our school. I pretty much separated myself from him for the rest of the day. When I got home, I just couldn't stop thinking about him and looking at our photos together.

His girlfriend came to school a week later after having extended holidays overseas. She came on Valentine's Day. Between sports day and Valentine's day, the two of us had been flirting shamelessly and it was starting to go around the school. On Valentine's day he had a bought a box of chocolates and a rose and when I saw him in the morning, he was walking up to me with them. Then he stopped and turned and a look of surprise appeared on his face, and then that's when I felt my heart drop. There she was, walking down the stairs. His girlfriend. She was pretty and they suited each other based on appearance. He looked at me and then at her. He had no choice but to walk up to her, hand her the rose and box of chocolates, followed by a kiss that ruined my Valentine's day.

It felt as if everyone was looking at me as if this was a lesson I should learn from; never get involved with a guy who was taken. All I had were my new friends supporting me and giving him shit for messing around on his girlfriend and hurting my feelings. I didn't speak to him for a while. But it didn't take long till she'd gotten wind on what was happening between me and him. Then, all of a sudden, she'd stopped coming to school. I then soon learned they hardly saw each other and their relationship was on the rocks. Time for me to interfere I guess.

The rest of that semester, SC and I played the cat and mouse game. We were in the same music class which meant we spent 3 hours a week together. Because at that time, none of our friends bothered to show up to our music class, it was usually only me and him together in an unsupervised room supposed to be writing music. Although I loved to write songs, we never used our time for that. Instead we would have awkward talks about random aspects of life. Sometimes he'd freak me out with the over share of his life. Like the time he went on and on about his body image. Bored and scared me to death. We never did much more than that. I enjoyed the idea of spending all the time alone with him, but when it actually happened, I usually ended up leaving the classroom slightly disturbed.

We had our first kiss when I decided to skip school with some of my friends and get drunk. I returned to school intoxicated when it was finished and he pretty much had to walk me up the oval to the shops. I decided to wait with him at the bus stop for his bus. During that time, we managed to kiss and now that I look back on it, I'm pretty embarrassed at that day. But, we managed to stay normal after that, although I think that may be the reason we sort of stopped talking and grew distant. I went away on holidays a few weeks later and when I came back to school, he had moved schools.

A few months later, I was beginning to miss him. It was kind of boring at school because I had no one to look forward to. I stopped turning up to music class and then stopped coming to school altogether. I then heard of a high school dance competition coming up and my friends and I had decided to go for the dancing, hot guys and we planned to get drunk after. The week before the competition I had been talking to SC's brother via a social networking site. We were flirting and making plans to meet at the dance competition.

The day of the dance competition, my friends and I had all gotten dressed together and we were soon on our way to the competition in the city. When we got there, we were waiting outside the venue having a smoke and waiting for our other friends to meet up with. As I was looking around, I heard my friends start talking in an excited manner so I turned around to see what the fuss was, and I saw SC standing there talking to them. I quickly said hi to him and started talking to someone else. I briefly asked him where his brother was and SC told me that he wouldn't be there till after the event started. So us girls decided to walk in and get seats before the competition started. They were doing the seating by school, and because our school had not entered into the competition, we sat with the nearest school, which was the school that SC went to. A few opening acts later, one of my girls called and wanted us to come and get her from the train station. So I told one of my other friends to come and I told her to grab SC to come with us ... just in case. But it was really so I could be close to him once more.

As we were walking to the train station I grabbed his hand and he seemed to go along with it. So we started talking about what was new with our lives since the last time we'd seen each other. We then met up with our friend at the train station and started walking back to the competition. Before we went in, we decided to have a smoke. So SC sat on the steps and I sat a step below him, between his legs and we smoked and talked. Then he did something so simple, yet it means so much to me, right to this day. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on the forehead. Nothing spectacular right? Except for the fact that he's the only guy to have ever done it to me. It was just so sweet and different.

We then made our way into the venue and we'd lost our seats so we all squished into one seat plus the exit isle. SC sat on the seat and I sat between his legs and my two girls sat in the exit isle. One of the singing acts were two men singing "I wanna be your man" by Zapp and Roger. I vaguely knew of the song at that time and now it's one of the most played songs on my iPod. Anyways, I asked him to sing it to me just to be cheeky and he started singing it and as he did, I listened to the lyrics and I was gaga-faced. I later wrote in my diary that "He won my heart with a badly sung version of I Wanna Be Your Man & a sweet kiss on the forehead." It was true though. We hardly watched the dance competition and spent most of it making out and enjoying the music that the school's were dancing to. My friends all lost their voices that night cheering and I lost my heart that night, to a guy who couldn't care more or less the next day.

After the dance competition, we all congregated outside smoking and discussing which schools were good. SC and I pretty much didn't care. We spent that time making out on the steps for the whole world to see. And I wanted to make sure they did. I wanted him to be mine and I wanted everyone to know. After a massive fight broke out we decided it was time to leave. We all planned to drink but with limited cash and no one the legal age, we decided to split up and go for a walk along the river where the man made beaches were. SC and I decided to walk around hand in hand and it was sweet. Then things got pretty heated and we ended up in a toilet cubicle having sex. It wasn't exactly a romantic experience. At the time it might have made sense, but now, having sex in public toilets is just plain gross. And how could I forget the man who popped is head over the cubicle and watched us for most of the intercourse. That still haunts me.

After that night, we hardly spoke. Even though I felt on top of the world that night, I quickly hit rock bottom the next day. He pretty much wanted nothing more to do with me. So once again, I was left broken hearted. Two months later, I met my boyfriend. And I never thought of SC for a while. But the story doesn't end there.

My boyfriend and I were going through a rough patch in our relationship and SC started to get back in contact with me. We thought it was a good idea for us to catch up and go see a movie or something. So I met him at the train station after school and he said that he needed to go home and get changed before we went movies. So we went back to his house and I was so scared that someone was going to be home. But it was just him and I. So I was sitting in his room and he got changed but by then I was lying on the bed, exhausted. So he lay down next to me and then one thing led to another and we ended up having sex ... again. Then his brother came home from school so we quickly got dressed and sat in his kitchen. His brother immediately looked at me and questioned what I was doing there. I said I was just in the neighborhood and dropped in to say hi. Thankfully the brother laughed and sarcastically believed me.

And so the affair began. We were meeting up at the movies and going on dates. I enjoyed every moment I had with him and I never wanted it to end. It started to impact my relationship with my boyfriend and I considered leaving him for SC. Then one night SC and I had gone out on one of our dates and SC decided to tell me that he had feelings for my best friend. I was shattered. Just as I was going to tell him that I was planning on leaving my boyfriend. SC thought it was best that I focus on working on my relationship with my boyfriend. I couldn't believe it. He had me fooled. So I left in an angry huff that night. After he told me all that I needed to hear, he quickly tried to take it back, inviting me back to his place for the night. I ended up leaving in an angry huff. I was so hurt and tired of it all.

Months passed and my current relationship was still going nowhere. Then my 18th birthday came up and my boyfriend was having jealous fits about the idea of me going out clubbing with my friends. So I lied to him said I was going out with my dad and my cousins and he wasn't invited. The Friday after I turned 18, I had the day off work and went to my old high school's graduation. SC ended up moving back to that school earlier that year so he was also graduating. It had been a while since we'd seen each other so I wasn't to keen on seeing him. I kept to myself and my friends at the graduation but talking to each other was inevitable. It was a quick hi and bye and soon my mate and I were off to get ready for our massive night out. As we were on our way to town, we got bored so decided to ring SC and just talk randomly to him. My mate did most of the talking. By then we were halfway tipsy. As the night progressed, I was getting so drunk that I ended up leaving the city at around 2. I didn't want to go home, so I decided to take a chance and call SC. He answered my call and I asked him if it was OK if I came over to see him. He said it was fine so I jumped in a cab and made my way to his.

I was so drunk getting out of the cab. I started walking to his house which was a 5 minute walk from where I got dropped off. I saw him walking down the street towards me so when I finally got to him, I pretty much almost collapsed onto him. We ended up going to sit at the soccer field across the road from his house. I remember us lying on the grass, looking at the stars and talking. We then went to his house after I'd sobered up a little bit and went to bed. I lay in his bed for about ten minutes then I started kissing him. Next thing I know, clothes were on the floor and we were having sex. I woke up the next morning wondering where the hell was I and then I saw him lying next to me and I thought to myself, no freaking way did I end up here! I quickly got up and called a cab. Explaining what happened to my friends was difficult because I could only remember bits and pieces from that night. Two days later, my boyfriend and I broke up.

So I was finally single. And I wanted more of SC without the guilty feeling. My best friend and I went to the movies for a girls night out. After that, we were so bored and didn't want to go home. So we called up SC and picked him up. We went to the shops to buy him credit and then we went to visit another best friend of mine at her house. We talked for about an hour and then it was time to drop my best mate home as well as SC. So we dropped my mate off home first then I went to go and drop SC home. As we got to the front of his house, he asked whether we could go park up somewhere and talk. So we parked up at the scouts hall across the road and I could tell he was going to make a move on me. He did and at first, I kissed him. but then after that, I had to stop him. Because he had feelings for my best friend, I couldn't let us happen. I questioned him and said what if my best friend were to ring him right now and ask him out. He said he doesn't care because right now he wanted me to ask him out.

I decided to call it a night there and drop him off because things were happening real fast and randomly. I dropped him off at the front of his house and he asked if I could sleep over. I said no and he said if I changed my mind, to call him. Of course I ended up changing my mind. I got home and had a shower and left for his house. As we laid in bed that night talking, explained to him that I didn't want to date him because I knew he was a cheater. He said that I was one too, but I told him that I only cheated on my boyfriend with him and because I finally had him, there would be no need to cheat. He promised me that he wasn't going to cheat and so we finally became official.

Two days later, he's off to schoolies. I knew right from the stat that he would cheat on me. So it didn't come as surprise that he did. It hurt. Although we had been together for a week, it hurt. Because after two years of trying to make him mine, I finally got him and timing could not have been more worse. I guess it was karma for cheating on my ex boyfriend. Still, I had been to hell and back with SC and he still couldn't give me the respect to at least stay faithful to me and break up with me the right way. Ever since then, we've been "friends" and have only slipped up twice so far. We hooked up after a friend's birthday party a month ago, but I was the one who put the brakes on and decided that we weren't going to have sex. I'd gotten back with my ex boyfriend and we're slowly trying to mend things. So mucking around with SC isn't exactly showing promise in the relationship.

Although I'm working my hardest to make this relationship work, I still think of SC everyday and listen to songs that remind me of him. It's hard to say, but I really do love him. I just can't be with him.

Mr Lips.

+ SC ; theEND.

Dear You.

SC + blubber.

SC.